"Fantasy Mission Force" Commentary

Commentary done between myself (Neil Koch, aka gweilo845) and "American Ninja" (Ryan, aka Dragon) from City on Fire on 4/20/02

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When you see the speaker icon, click on it to hear some sounds.

Dragon: Did you get the "Fantasy Mission Force" DVD?

gweilo845: I could not find it anywhere. It's so low budget K-Mart didn't even have it.

Dragon: Why did they bill it as a Jackie Chan movie when he had about 10 minutes in it?

gweilo845: To help it sell. No one really wanted to see a Jimmy Wang Yu movie at this point in his career.

Dragon: Yeah, but this is very misleading. Honesty is the best policy.

gweilo845: The most misleading thing about this was advertising this junk as a movie.

Dragon: Yeah. I never quite understood why the mission went from Brigitte Lin blowing up her house to a romp in a haunted house. Plus that song is downright awful!

gweilo845: That theme song is about as bad as that Subway song about Clay Henry.

Dragon: If not worse! This film has a downbeat ending that makes no sense!

gweilo845: Ryan, you're missing the point that this movie makes no sense. You know the old saying about if they threw a million monkeys into a room they would eventually write "Hamlet"? Well, Chu Yen Ping tried it and this script was all they could come up with.

Dragon: Yeah, I know. The whole movie doesn't make sense, but the ending doesn't fit. We have already stopped taken it seriously after the song, but still the ending does not fit.

gweilo845: Well, the 70's cars don't fit, the references to James Bond and Rocky don't fit... even Jackie's overalls don't fit.

Dragon: Now it could be the dubbed voices, but what century are we supposed to be in? I see Civil War uniforms and M16's.

gweilo845: It's supposed to be World War II I think.

Dragon: Okay, we have amazon women. Who knew they had amazon women back in the 40's?

gweilo845: Well, that's production value!

Dragon: They don't get naked! And neither does Brigitte Lin! This would have been a favorite with everybody had it had a few naked chicks. But, no, they bail out.

gweilo845: Naked chicks are always good. Instead we get to see Jackie chasing around a chicken. Man, I would have rather have gotten beaten up by Triads than appear in this movie. Jackie must have been really hard up for money or something.

Dragon: I don't know, man. That was kind of hilarious. What really sinks this movie is it's horrible dubbing. When Jackie Chan scolds the fighter pretending to be the real challenger, the dubbing is so hilariously awful that it's almost, but not quite, classic.

gweilo845: I know. It sounds like two guys in a broom closet or something.

Dragon: He says "Have you no shame? I hate you!"

gweilo845: I want to say that to Chu Yen Ping. Man, are his movies awful. How does this guy get work? He must have pictures of all these people giving head to Run Run Shaw or something.

Dragon: Movie isn't the right term. This what "Fantasy Mission Force" is: a porn with the nudity taken out. Okay, now we have a "touching" moment of these guys bonding... and the cigar blows up in the guy's face. This isn't very funny, but when you think about a movie this bad, this is one of the better moments.

gweilo845: God, the fights in here are awful. I could stage a better fight with my grandma even after we polished off a bottle of Jager.

Dragon: The only mildly diverting action scene in this film is the shootout at the end. All of it in between is bad in a good way, or just plain bad.

gweilo845: The best action is when you push the eject button! Seriously, if I was Jackie Chan, I would try to buy up all the copies of this movie. What an embarrasment.

Dragon: I guess. Hell, even Lo Wei directed better action.

gweilo845: I direct more satisfying action when I take a poop. The thrills! The chills!

Dragon: Not to mention the spills.

gweilo845: I try not to do that. This movie is kind of like the poop that doesn't get flushed down the toilet after you're done. For some reason you just have to look at it before giving another flush.

Dragon: This is probably a movie the director made based on a dream he had.

gweilo845: My dreams usually involve Asia Carerra, a bottle of Wesson Oil and some Grape Nuts. Now that would make a good movie!

Dragon: Why the Grape Nuts?

gweilo845: Well, then, I won't go into the one that involves midgets. I'm surprised there aren't any midgets in this movie because everyone knows midgets equal comedy.

Dragon: Ha! Isn't Asia Carrera related to Tia Carrere?

gweilo845: No. Though the thought of that pairing is starting to make me tingle in the lower abdominal area. Oh, wait, that's the White Castle I ate.

Dragon: I warned you. If you eat my aunt's cooking you will beg for White Castle.

gweilo845: The worst thing about that is that you can't say anything. Kind of like with this movie. I bet all of Jackie's friends were like "Yeah, Jackie, that was a great movie". God, who did the soundtrack for this? It makes me yearn for the delicious vocal stylings of Yoko Ono.

Dragon: Yoko Ono... wasn't she in "The Punisher" as the Yakuza lady?

gweilo845: You been drinking Nyquil again? Yoko Ono was John Lennon's wife. She's probably the musical equivalent of Chu Yen Ping.

Dragon: I know. I was joking. I said that because I would love to see Yoko Ono killed by getting a knife to the head.

gweilo845: Now that's not very nice. Just make her watch this movie about five times in a row and she'll shut up for the rest of her life.

Dragon: That or "Fist Of Fear, Touch Of Death". Now that's torture.

gweilo845: Oh, Christ. I would rather watch a Rosie O'Donnell/Roseanne lesbian scene than watch that movie again. At least it would be a quicker death.

Dragon: Rosie O'Donnell needs to lay off the fatty foods!

gweilo845: She needs to lay off of food, period. But I suppose it's all that fish she eats.

Dragon: I don't see why she doesn't run her fat ass into oncoming traffic. I mean, it's not like she would die. And it's cheaper then liposuction.

gweilo845: I want to maybe have kids someday, so let's stop talking about Rosie. I wish I had a rotten tomato I could throw at my TV.

Dragon: Well, make sure you have kids after Rosie is dead, so your kids don't nned to look at the whale.

gweilo845: Okay, back to the movie. Apparently, the amazons' secret weapon is colered toilet paper.

gweilo845: But the lead one is kind of hot even though she has that cheesy 80's workout headband.

Dragon: Yeah. This part is one of the worst in the movie. I heard that guy with the helmet tried out for "Free Willy 4" as the whale.

gweilo845: What I don't get with that guy is that he wears all that crappy armor, but then he has a kilt. Now, if you were going to wear armor, that's the first place I would put it. Oh, and now we have the part where Jackie is chasing the chicken. I should go choke my chicken rather than watch more of this. I wonder if they knew when they were making this movie just how truly rotten it would turn out.

Dragon: Why did you give it a 5.5 out of 10?

gweilo845: It's is truly a classic bad movie. It is total crap, but for some reason you have to keep watching.

Dragon: Kinda like the Jerry Springer show.

gweilo845: Except that Springer has better production values.

Dragon: What did Jackie Chan think of this movie?

gweilo845: He hates it. He acknowledges that he only did it becuase of Wang Yu.

Dragon: I thought all actors like their movies. Hell, even Van Damme likes his "No Retreat, No Surrender" movie.

gweilo845: No, Jackie is actually kind of honest in that regard. I mean, seriously, you couldn't even have Johnnie Cochran defend this as a good movie.

Dragon: Van Damme would.

gweilo845: Yeah, but he's a cokehead. He would probably enjoy watching reruns of "What's Happening!!".

Dragon: He was a cokehead. He is off the shit.

gweilo845: Oooh, sorry, didn't mean to hurt your feelings. The guy's an idiot at any rate.

Dragon: Jean-Claude Van Damme is one helluva bad actor. He has made some good films, but basically, he stinks at the thing called acting. I thought he had finally shown some range in "Replicant", then I saw "The Order", and boy, that movie was bad!

gweilo845: I couldn't finish that movie. Which says a lot, because I have watched this a few times!

Dragon: So you saw "The Order"? Ha! I really don't see what anyone could find enjoyable about it. It's like "Indiana Jones", but the chick isn't even hot!

gweilo845: I didn't even get to the girl. I turned it off after 15 minutes. Anyway, I am just stupified by the idiocy of this movie. What's up with this cheesy haunted house crap?

Dragon: My God, this movie is bad. We are talking about terrible actors!

gweilo845: Terrible is too good of a word. I would try and find a better one, but I am having to drink so much to sit through this that I can't get to my thesaurus.

Dragon: You know, this movie is almost as bad as "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians". A movie my mom would make me watch when I was a little boy. Every year she would make us watch it.

gweilo845: Isn't that child abuse? That's why you like all the cheesy B movies now. You were scarred for life.

Someone please stop the pain.

Dragon: I mean, thinking back, I guess I should watch it drunk. It might be pretty hilarious.

gweilo845: That doesn't help.

Dragon: Another thing worse than this movie is the Star Wars holiday special. The only thing special about that is how awful it is.

gweilo845: Ewoks are evil. Almost as evil as this movie. Now we have some "Road Warrior" kind of stuff, and it stinks worse than Chris Farley after a round at Taco Bell.

Dragon: They say nobody ever sets out to make a bad movie, but this had to have been done on purpose!

gweilo845: I would hope so. A retarded blind guy could probably mash together a better movie than this. These attempts to make the movie serious at the end are just laughable.

Dragon: But even at the beginning... I wonder why they brought up Snake Plissken from "Escape From New York" and Rocky and James Bond. I mean, Snake Plissken could have kicked a lot of asses!

"Call me Snake, but don't call me to be in this kind of craptastic movie." If there is a God, some day this will happen to Chu Yen Ping.

Dragon: "Rocky IV" was pretty bad, Neil.

gweilo845: Yes, I know. This came out before III and IV though.

Dragon: I would take "Fantasy Mission Force" over "Rocky IV" anyday.

gweilo845: I agree.

Dragon: Okay, here Jackie Chan says to the generals "What generals? To me, you look like clowns!" and drives off leaving them trying to run and catch up. This part is classic!

gweilo845: Yeah, that's right up there with the ending fight in "Drunken Master II".

Dragon: No, I was thinking more in terms of "Laser Mission". Let's sing the "Laser Mission" song! MERCENARY MAN MERCENARY MAN MERCENARY MAAAAAN!

gweilo845: Um, okay, you keep doing that. I was just thinking what a total waste this last fight is. I mean you have Wang Yu and Jackie Chan, and you still can't do anything with them. Chu Yen Ping makes Godfrey Ho look good by comparison.

Jackie expresses his gratitude to Wang Yu for getting him out of trouble with the Triads so he could appear in movies like this. Jackie tries to talk some sense into Jimmy.

Dragon: You know deep down you like that song! You know, I was thinking of having the "Laser Mission" theme played at my wedding but the wife opted out. Some people just don't have taste!

gweilo845: Actually, it would have been better than that damn chicken dance song. Okay, so to wrap this up, do you have any parting words? This film, to me, could be summed up in two: jack and shit.

Dragon: "Fantasy Mission Force" is the kind of movie that can be described like this: bad to just plain awful. I like cheesy movies, but there is a difference between gouda and cheddar. This movie is definitely gouda. It has laughable melodrama, horrible pacing and the attention span of a soap opera. Even by old school standards this is one bad movie. Now let's sing the "Laser Mission" theme. MERCENARY MAN MERCENARY MAN MERCENARY MAAAAN!

Thanks to View from the Brooklyn Bridge for the screen captures

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