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My Honeymoon with a Vampire
(aka Honey Moon with a Vampire, Vampire Honeymoon)
2003; directed by Law Man-Dick

After working on this site for over sixteen years, I realize that Hong Kong and Chinese culture does have differences with American culture, and those should be respected; basically, no "flied lice" jokes or anything of the sort. So it's with all due respect that I point out that My Honeymoon with a Vampire's director is named Law Man-Dick. Really? Come on, that has to be fake -- and seeing how godawful this poor excuse for a movie is, I'm not surprised that anyone or everyone associated with this production would not want their name on it.

My Honeymoon with a Vampire  My Honeymoon with a Vampire

Regardless if Mr. Man-Dick is a real person or not, the name is credited to nine films during the late 1990's and early 2000's, including the inventively titled Viagara Madness -- yes, viagra is spelled incorrectly. This should tell you a lot upfront about the quality (or lack thereof) of My Honeymoon with a Vampire. Shot on video and sent directly to VCD, this is one of a myriad of films put out during this period -- one of the low points in terms of overall quality of the Hong Kong movie industry -- that you have to wonder how the hell it ever got made in the first place, and why in blazes you're actually watching it. Actually, calling My Honeymoon with a Vampire a movie is a disservice to film-makers that at least put some passion in their projects. Law Man-Dick (who also wrote the script) bumbles his way through this release, with the story coming together as more like a series of random scenes and ideas, rather than anything coherent, much less actually interesting to watch.

My Honeymoon with a Vampire  My Honeymoon with a Vampire

Basically, the movie revolves around vacationing cop Eric Wan, who is asked by a ghost (Sophie Ngan) to get revenge on her killer. For some reason, Eric turns into a vampire but doesn't really go out and bite anyone, probably because the director couldn't afford to film anywhere but the one hotel where about ninety-five percent of this movie takes place. Anyway, after going back and forth in a series of badly-translated exposition scenes, Sophie ends up taking justice into her own hands, pretty much rending the last eighty minutes or so useless. And then, Eric goes to everyone's favorite ghost-busting granny, Helena Law Lan, to get the evil spirit out of him, kisses his wife, and leaves to go cash his paycheck at the local 7-11.

My Honeymoon with a Vampire  My Honeymoon with a Vampire

This is a horror movie that has vampires wearing plastic fangs that look they came out of a Cracker Jack box circa 1978 combined with an attempt at sexiness that involves a former Penthouse pet wearing an ugly ill-fitting negligee. Normally, even the most inept directors will be able to nail gore and T&A in low-budget films, but Law Man-Dick can't even get it up... I mean, get up, to this small pedestal.

RATING: 1

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