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In the Claws of the CIA
As the great modern-day urban philosopher Butt-head once espoused: "What the hell is this crap?" Is In the Claws of the CIA actually a movie? I can't tell. It just seems to be an almost random collection of amateurish footage slapped together to try to form the semblance of a film. In that respect, and really any other, it fails miserably. I guess there is some shred of a story here. Writer/director/producer John Liu stars as... wait for it... John Liu, an expert in "Zen Kwan Do" who is contracted by the CIA to train an elite (if by "elite", you mean out of shape) army squad in the art of hypno kung fu, where even the advances of semi-attractive ladies are not enough to keep men from performing poorly-coordinated martial arts. John soon discovers that the CIA wants to use hypno kung fu for nefarious purposes (did he think they were going to use it to have a tea party?) so he tries to escape, which, of course, doesn't cotton with the government cronies -- and thus, the chase is on. It should be noted that the version I watched (Ninja in the Claw of the CIA) has some footage cut out, which seems to be a few boobie shots and a sequence where a poor bunny is kicked around. The full T&A is available in the Kung Fu Emmanuelle version, but if you're really desperate to see vintage softcore action, just head over to any number of streaming smut sites on the web. Trust me, you really don't need to extend this cinematic experience any further than the thankfully short seventy-five minute running time. There are a couple of decent fight sequences present, and the movie does have that "good" bad movie vibe running through it at times, but, as a whole, In the Claws of the CIA is just a miserable excuse for a motion picture. Unless you've got a mean masochistic streak going on, don't bother with this trash. Life's too short to waste with terrible movies like this. RATING: 3 |