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Kingdom of Mob
(aka Kingdom of the Mob, The Kingdom of Mob)
1999; directed by Ivan Lai (credited as The King)

Bolstered by the growing DVD market and the rising popularity in the west of stars like Jackie Chan, the late 1990's saw a deluge of cheap releases spat out via fly-by-night production companies hoping to make a quick buck off of suckers like your friendly neighborhood reviewer who get enticed by a cool-looking cover and solid cast list. But rest assured, there is nothing cool or solid about Kingdom of Mob. This is simply Hong Kong film-making at its' absolute worst, and should be avoided like Rosie O'Donnell after she hasn't had her 3 PM feeding.

Starring Anthony Wong as a cop who, for some reason, dresses like a priest, most of Kingdom of Mob takes place in a small village in the New Territories, where a gang led by Michael Chan (along with his daughter Diana Pang Dan) is trying to fix an election in order to get rid of the reigning mayor (Wu Ma) so that corrupt government officials can extend Hong Kong's borders. Um, okay. Did I mention that, for some reason, Kingdom of Mob is supposed to take place in the future? Apparently, this is some sort of weird alternate future where peple still use cell phones the size of their heads and store important financial information on 3.5 inch diskettes.

So, yeah, the story's pretty much semi-warm garbage, and the movie is technically pulled off with all of the panache, class, and subtlety of your average episode of TMZ. Everything just looks, sounds, and feels cheap. Not just that usual "cheap" as compared to an average Hollywood movie -- this is "a couple of dudes and a camera" bottom-of-the-barrel. The film-makers try to liven things up by adding in some gratuitous nudity, but the woman who shows her goodies sports a horrible-looking fake tattoo across her chest, and a terrible boob job. Inferred salacious elements like child castration and homosexual rape only push this picture further into cinematic hell. Perhaps sensing this, many of the crew hide behind pseudonyms, which include gems like The King, Mr. Fifteen, and Green Face.

The actors weren't so lucky as to be able to hide their appearance in this Hindenburg of a film. Sure, even though I am a fan of Diana Pang Dan, I can admit that she really made her career out of Z-list movies like this. And during this period, Anthony Wong seemed to sign up for any script that was thrown at him, in order to pay for expensive medical treatments for a thyroid condition. But what the hell were Michael Chan and Wu Ma thinking? Did director Ivan Lai have blackmail material on them?

It boggles the mind to think that these two veterans, who had decades of experience and appearances in some true classics, would be forced to appear in crud like this in order to pay the bills. I guess Hong Kong is a tough town to make a living in. But what isn't tough is me telling you dear readers to stay far, far away from Kingdom of Mob. With no manner of hyperbole, I can fully say that Kingdom of Mob is one of the worst movies from anywhere in the world that I've ever had the "pleasure" of watching, and I'm all that much dumber for actually sitting through the whole thing. Please, don't be a fool and make the same mistake -- your brain and sanity will thank you.

RATING: 1

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