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Silly Kung Fu Family
(aka Shaolin Family Soccer, Kung Fu Silly Family)
2004; directed by Lau Jun-Fai

Little Pak Go. Dear readers, please keep this name in the back of your mind, because even though I'm not a religious man, I believe I have seen the face of the anti-christ, and his name is Little Pak Go. Long-time browsers of this site will know that I'm not a fan of kid actors, with Danny, the annoying little brat from Rumble in the Bronx, being the worst offender. That is, until now. Congratulations, Little Pak Go. You've become a meme on Hong Kong Film Net.

At least Danny had an entertaining movie around him. There's nothing about Silly Kung Fu Family that could be considered entertaining. Hell, it could barely be called a movie, expect for the fact that it runs about ninety minutes, has actors, and was shot on film. The excruciatingly bad plot stars Wong Yat-Fei, reprising his role from Shaolin Soccer as Ironhead. If you were expecting some fun over-the-top soccer scenes, you're barking up the wrong tree. Most of the running time is devoted to Wong posing as a female nanny so he can reunite his grandson (the aforementioned demon spawn) with his mom (Loletta Lee) and dad (Kenneth Chan). How no one notices that grandpa is their new nanny -- even after Pak Go sees him without a wig on -- is baffling to say the least, and points to some sort of creepy family relationship that would be perfect for Jerry Springer.

Anyway, of course, hilarity is supposed to ensue, but it doesn't. Matter of fact, nothing much happens here at all. There's some really bad jokes, a couple of short soccer matches, and a few scenes featuring clumsy kung fu. Mostly, we're treated to Pak Go being a brat over and over and over again. I once read that Guantanamo Bay detainees were tortured via Metallica at high volumes. That is nothing compared to having to sit for a hour and half while this piece of urchin fecal matter screeches, cries, whines, and generally acts like those white trash kids in the checkout line at Wal-Mart that you'd like to give a retroactive abortion to, and give their mother a kick in the uterus for good measure.

If this review seems unnecessarily harsh, believe me when I say that Silly Kung Fu Family is worth every bit of vitriol I'm throwing at it, and probably much more. This movie was simply painful to sit through all the way to the end, and I think I'll have to talk to my doctor to up my dosage of Xanax to cover up some of the brain damage this pile of dried out beetle dung crap gave me. Even if you like watching bad movies and giving them the Mystery Science Theatre treatment, stay far, far away from Silly Kung Fu Family. This is simply film-making at its' worst -- the sort of cheap, derivative, and stupid stuff that gives Hong Kong/Chinese movies a bad name.

RATING: 1

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