Simon Sez
1999
Director: Kevin Elders
Action director: Hung Yan-Yan
Stars: Dennis Rodman, Dane Cook, Natalia Cigliuti, Hung Yan-Yan
This movie is bad. Actually, "bad" or any other adjective just can't descibe how horrible it is. It's the kind of movie that makes your finger itch for the fast-forward button while you're watching it and your hand reach for a beer afterwards so you can try to wipe its' memory from your brain. The thin plot has Rodman as some kind of secret agent (though how any six-foot tall black guy with wildly dyed hair could stay a secret in a small French town is beyond me) going after some kind of secret weapon. Spy capers don't necessarily have to have the deepest plots -- just look at most any James Bond movie -- but the script is abysmal beyond belief. Of course, Rodman has a doofus sidekick (Cook) and hot ass-kicking babe (Cigliuti) tagging along, as well as a supporting cast that depends on just about every stereotype in the book or are just plain stupid (rapping monks, anyone?).
If you're watching this movie to see some good action done by Hung Yan-Yan (Jet Li's stunt double and the person more than a bit responsbile for delivering many of the thrills in Li's works from Once Upon a Time in China onward), you'll be disappointed. Some of the action is okay, but it's a tall order trying to make Dennis Rodman look like he can fight -- just go watch some of his footage during his (thankfully) short-lived stint as a pro wrestler. The filmmakers decided to make up for the lack of natural talent of the performers by using lots of special effects. Sometimes this can work (like in The Storm Riders), but Simon Sez' obvious low budget results in "thrilling" immages like a car driving off a cliff only to be saved by some very bad looking CGI wings that sprout out.
Worse than the weak script, poor acting or unexciting action is Simon Sez' attitude. Like the horrible Charlie's Angels, the movie has a "hip" attitude about it, like they knew they were making a bad movie to begin with and so we should just laugh along with the joke. Well, I wasn't laughing, or entertained in the least. Do yourself a favor and avoid this movie, or, better yet, do someone else a favor and rent this tape and then record something more entertaining over it, like a Tae-Bo infomercial.
RATING: 1